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Anyone who has ever dated in the age of Tinder–or dated at all for that matter–understands what ghosting is. But for the sake of defining it, here’s what Dictionary.com says about the whole thing: Ghosting is “the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.” The very fact that it’s a coined term that’s now in the dictionary already begins to drive home my point that ghosting is inching its way to being publicly acceptable in our society. But not just as pertains to dating. I’m seeing it inhabit and haunt new domains every day. I’ve also been victim to it multiple times even though I haven’t dated for 10+ years.

Let’s start where ghosting first became a rampant issue–dating in the age of dating apps. Ghosting, before it was actually a term, was a behavior that was limited to a particular type of person who was dishonest. And that person had a bad reputation because of it. Before the world of dating apps, you were often introduced to the people you dated through friends, or at least you both ran with a similar crowd. Now, when you date via app, you usually don’t have friends in common. So when you’re not feeling things, it’s easier to ghost the person you’re dating without repercussions or damage your personal reputation among your friend groups. It’s also easier to develop this habit when there are no tangible negative consequences for your actions.

Here’s where it gets sticky, though–we all communicate via the cloak of the internet now. We message each other on social media or we text. It’s very indirect. Ever since we as a society crossed that invisible line where calling someone, even your very own mother, is considered weird, this ghosting behavior has creeped into personal friendships and family relationships. Let me pose this question to you: How many times has a friend or family member left you hanging through text? And an even harder question: How often have you done that to a family member or friend? What’s the end game to doing this?

"During the exam, I'll hide under some coats, and hope that somehow everything will work out." pic.twitter.com/J9HWYxMKCt
— SimpsonsQOTD (@SimpsonsQOTD) March 25, 2014

In defense of ghosting, we can say that, now more than ever, we’re absolutely inundated with information and communication thanks to technology. Hell, you can argue that ghosting really started with the emergence of caller ID. Knowing who is on the line before picking up can increase anxiety, for sure. And if it’s a conversation you’re not looking forward to having with said person, just let that mother f*cker ring. The more information and abilities to communicate we have at our fingertips, the more likely we are to ghost. And today we get so many texts, emails, DMs, likes, comments, and @’s 24/7. You could say it’s hard to keep up. Yes, you could say that. But it’s also incredibly easy to type a quick message back to someone to finalize a conversation, right?

Here’s where the ghosting thing really scares me, though. And it should scare you, too. It has now moved into the professional world and is becoming more common in it. I mean, the very definition of professionalism implies that you act in a respectful manner towards others you work with, or potentially work with, right?

Here are two personal anecdotes on ghosting as pertains to work and professional relationships:

A couple years back, I had several phone interviews with jewelry company Alex And Ani for a copywriting position. After getting through this round of interviews, I was asked to come interview in person at their offices in Rhode Island and to complete an assessment assignment that I would present to a panel. The assignment required several hours of unpaid work on my end. At this point, it seemed like things were getting pretty serious, and I was very interested in the position, so I decided to take the day to do the 3+ hour car ride both ways to do the interview and present to the panel. It seemed as though the interview went well, but I must not have been the right person for the position, because I didn’t get it.

That’s not the bad part of this story, though. It’s the fact that, in spite all of the time I expended on developing this relationship over a two month period, after that in person interview I was ghosted by Alex And Ani. No follow-up letter thanking me for my time and letting me know they went in a different direction. Not even an email. Zilch.

More recently, I had a meeting with someone whose work and platform I adore. They called for the meeting in person, asking for me to commute an hour to meet them in an area that was more convenient for their schedule. This was all under the pretense of me securing a possible opportunity. Upon meeting the person, they completely shied away from the notion of the opportunity at all. Even after a followup email, the response was, “I’ll get back to you soon!” and then nothing.

In both of these anecdotes, respect for time as another issue, ghosting was a clear intent, and apparently used as a professional tool. It got me thinking–is saying ‘no’ so hard for us today? Or is it just easier to let a conversation fall to the wayside? And why are we considering this to be okay in a space where HR exists and we’re asked to show up on time, avoid crudeness or distasteful conversation, be prepared, treat people with respect–all of the etiquette involved in professionalism–but allowing ghosting to slip through?

I’ll admit there have been people who I’ve discussed pending projects with for work that I’ve put off responding to when I know I don’t have good news for them–but in the end, I always get around to it. Saying no isn’t fun, but I like to think that saying no now doesn’t mean I wouldn’t ever work with them in the future. And so I try my best to tie up loose ends of conversations with people and let them know I respect them enough to take the time to do so.

The thing about ghosting is that it frays our very moral fabric as people. It’s an indirect way of showing a complete lack of respect for the person on the other end–even if it feels easier or less bad, the intent to harm (because if you’ve ever been ghosted, you know it hurts) is there. And when it happens to you, you’re more likely to do it back or do it to others.

Before we know it, ghosting is an accepted way of interacting with each other, and we’re all left worse off because of it. Let’s not allow our society to sink to that level. Let’s follow through. Let’s say no sometimes. Let’s also call out/confront people and companies that ghost so they understand it’s not an acceptable behavior, and that there are negative repercussions for doing it. Let’s try to be better humans. Ghosts are shells of what once was a human.